The First Church of the DINOSAURIANS
That’s right folks…the time has come to acknowledge those beings whose sacrifice laid the foundation for our contemporary conventions and standard of living. I’m not referring to the bloviating avatars and scores of prophets promising ever-lasting peace, love, and resurrection. I’m talking dinosaurs here! You know: Those terrestrial pre-historic experiments that suffered unspeakable horrors at the fickle fingered hand of fate, in a cataclysmic, mass annihilation unsurpassed in the voluminous annals of earthly brutality. “Kind of makes that fashionable aphorism: ‘no blood for oil’ a bit ironic,” quips church founder Marc Twang.
Just think of the majestic Tyrannosaurus Rex, supporting that walloping physique on those pathetic pair of feet; The towering Brontosaurus…Jeepers!.... talk about sticking your neck out! And let us not forget the homely, horny, Triceratops, as well as the countless multitudes of beasts who have laid down their lives so we could extract their remains and go on to ravage the earth with glorious abandon through the eminent domain of our luxuriating lifestyles.
Let’s face it, without the sacrifices of our Dinosaurian brethren we’d be back to the horse, buggy, and the Pony Express…not to speak of plastics, and their contribution to our cheery contentment. Yes, we owe our creature comforts to these museum pieces, and it’s about time we paid spiritual homage to the wretched monsters by sanctifying and canonizing their contribution. It only makes sense: The way things are going we will soon be joining them! Who knows what wonders future life-forms might concoct from our extinction and remains?!
The Church of Dinosaurians meets daily at 9AM and 5PM, right in the heart of the MacArthur Maze, at the junction of Interstates 80-580-980, and 880 in Oakland, California. For those east of the Mississippi we will be meeting right in the heart of the Cross Bronx Expressway in NYC. Please bring your prayer books,a suit of armor,and a notarized will,indicating a preference for the type of fuel your remains will be used for in facilitating future civilizations’ pummeling of the earth .