The Elimination of Elimination

Where would we be without the orifices of elimination? Nature has done some nifty work in enabling us to rid ourselves of toxic wastes. Without the innately revolting role in the human physiology of these mechanisms, life would quickly become unbearable and ultimately impossible. But after over sixty years of disseminating my modest contribution to the terra firma, I have concluded that there exists a critical design flaw in the major excretory systems.

Giving credit where credit is due, the dispersal of effluents through the skin is a brilliant and generally painless process that incurs the necessity of, perhaps, an over-the-counter anti-perspirant or deodorant to deflect and dulcify the annoying and embarrassing results of swithering away one’s excess water, minerals and various toxins. But when it comes to the major players in the procedure, the bladder, ureter, rectum and the material fired off within those vital organs, I must say there is only so much piddle and poop that a body can bear.

I need not dwell on the particulars of these matters, as they are well known to even the most infantile life forms of our species. Of course, it can be irritating enough for our comrades in diapered apparel to be so utterly immersed in their own effluential matter. But with a good ol’fashioned cry and howl, the situation can be promptly alleviated, at least until the next episode.

Unfortunately for those of us who have put our powers of evacuation to the test for decade upon decade of pissn,’ moanin’ and, the whole potpourri of wondrous peristaltic activity that relieves us of our internal contaminants, there comes a point where the process can begin to ‘backfire’ so to speak, leaving us at the mercy of a myriad of corrective measures, none too pleasant or necessarily effective. Even reposeful respites between the synergistic expulsion of our waste are often fraught with bloated feelings of fullness along with repellant noises and odors that probably cause more social and psychological distress than most medical and therapeutic practitioners would ever want, or be likely to hear of.

Frankly, I am so disturbed by this defect in the grand design of the mammalian physique that I am ready to go to the bowels of the heavenly archives to research any alternatives that may be in the works for future generations or species. One must wonder how many earth-shattering decisions are made while world leaders are overburdened with incomplete evacuations of their own befouling and bilious toxins. An enduring, uncluttered canal of internal transport could, perhaps, lead to peace on earth and good will to all. I say we petition the Lord with prayer for an immediate reconstruction project. A new anatomic paradigm for humanity, and possibly a world where we are not chronically and perpetually....... ‘full of it.’


Marc Twang


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